Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
