P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Randomize
