R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
