I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
