I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
