Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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