I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
