Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
zippers are such a cool invention
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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