guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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