I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
