Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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