If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
