Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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