Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
