I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
