she woke up with a sticky ear
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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