today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
