I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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