apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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