I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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