I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
