My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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