I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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