I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
