hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
