you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
