I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i used baking grease as lip gloss
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
