just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
