I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
