dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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