How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
