I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
