You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
