Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You have to summon your inner elephant
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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