I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
