im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Four minutes until I can fart!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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