So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
