This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Randomize
