Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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