I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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