I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
