That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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