Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
