Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
