You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
