If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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