well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
