Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
