it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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