Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
