So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
