Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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