Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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