I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
