This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
a search helicopter?!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
