I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
