im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Of course I have a pirate flag
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
