Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
