things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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